Shared Parenting

By Marnie Brookolo

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about parenting, mothering, care-taking, and the work of raising children. My male partner and I have been talking more about having kids and what we want it to be like, our hopes, and our fears.  I recently saw a short film called “Mother: The Job” which contained many moving and thought-provoking images of mothers at work: cooking, cleaning, braiding hair, caring for children, etc. The film advocates for valuing the important work that mothers do and for more family friendly policies. While I appreciate the film and other books and organizations that work towards valuing mothering I can’t help but wonder, where are the dads? First off, it is important to note that there are many types of families raising children: single mothers and fathers, LGBT parents, grandparents, extended families, and more. However, in 2 parent families with a male and female partner it seems that most of the child rearing is still the domain of moms. These messages are everywhere and even couples that I see struggle to push against this are doing so within a context that makes creating an equal partnership pretty difficult. Even cool organizations and films and couples who believe in equality in their relationships don’t seem to question this much. The film that I discussed earlier did suggest that paternity leave be more accessible and that dads help in raising kids, but where is the expectation that good dads become more than good helpers? Another organization that does great work, Moms Rising, still frames the issue in a way that situates family, childrearing, and creating a more family friendly nation as the responsibility of women, and moms more specifically. When my partner and I have children I don’t want him to be a good helper. I want him to be empowered to take on an active parenting role with equal responsibilities and equal joy. I want him to pick up new shoes for the kids when he’s out at the store and comb their hair to get them ready. For my family I hope that my partner and I can both think about the needs of our children, large and small. Through our conversations it is clear that he wants this too, but even as two people that want this we know it won’t be easy. Each family is different and will have their own desires and expectations when it comes to raising children and that’s ok. What I’d like to see are more discussions about the many possibilities that exist and could exist for families when it comes to raising children. As important as valuing mothering is I think that new language and new ways of talking about families and children is needed to create the possibility for men, especially men with women as partners, to have the opportunity, and maybe even the expectation, to participate fully in the responsibilities (and many rewards) of raising children.  I’m not sure what this looks like yet, but I’m excited to continue to explore it and hope to continue the discussion with others who want to create a space for these explorations too.